I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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