Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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