Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
