And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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