Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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