now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
