please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
