Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
