things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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