haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
