I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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