I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
