I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
