Tell her she can't have a vagina
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
