seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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