I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize