it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
