Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
