i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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