i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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