i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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