i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
