Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
