I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
