I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
he fucked my hip out of place.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
