tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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