Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
