He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
