well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Holy shit dude........stairs
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