I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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