this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
