The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize