i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
