Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
