Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Your penis caused this!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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