I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
