How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
