My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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