paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
