First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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