foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
me + whiskey = a bad person
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
