I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
