I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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