soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
