Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
