I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
