Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
