I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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