I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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