she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
