I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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