I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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