I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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