just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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